Diddly Squat: The Farmers Dog

Uncooperative animals, underperforming crops, and rather less than best-laid plans pursued with unbridled enthusiasm. Clarkson’s farm is the gift that keeps on giving.

But, as one overseas visitor* admitted, he only came to Diddly Squat because he just didn’t believe that Jeremy could be so incompetent.

Not one to be discouraged, however, our hero decides to bring his misunderstood entrepreneurial flair to bear on a new venture: a pub. And just a few short weeks later, the doors open on The Farmer’s Dog.

All British produce, Hawkstone beer on tap, a private bar for farmers and a vintage tractor hanging from the ceiling. The perfect country pub. A welcome distraction from sustainable farming initiatives, psychedelic wheat, angry protests in central London and a headbutting goat.

What, you may be asking, could possibly go wrong?

On top of the lavatories packing up and the electricity running out, you mean? As the Cotwolds’ newest publican quickly discovers, there’s a lot more to landlording than pulling pints.

Just as well, then, that he still has Lisa, Kaleb, Cheerful Charlie and Gerald to help him through. Especially now his doctor’s told him he’s got to become a vegetablist …

*along with the whole of the rest of China, apparently